Nothing. I was just getting some lint off for you.
You were going for a feelski!
All right, I'm sorry, but this is like the 23rd time we've made out already and they're getting blue.
I know. I know. I mean, I really don't know. For me, it still feels like the first time.
Okay, let's average it out then. It's the 23rd time for me and the first time for you. That's about our 12th time.
Yeah?
Now, Hawaiian law clearly states after the 12th date. I'm entitled to unlimited boob access.
Why didn't I meet you one day before the accident?
You say that all the time. You want to meet a friend of mine?
All right. Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.
Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you. He is awesome! He is so smart.
Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready? Very good.
Hey, can I ask him a question?
Go ahead.
Jocko, do you think that Henry and I are ready to take our relationship to the next level? You sure about that? And do you think I should bring him into the other room and take advantage of him? I saw that hand gesture. And I'm glad you did it.
Really?
Oh, wow. Look!
Yeah.
They're, They're nodding in approval, I hope.
They like you. Let me get them out of there.
Mary, Kate, Ashley, get a life.
Thank you.
All right, I just wrote this, so go easy on me.
The Hukilau was the place where I first saw your face. We liked each other right away. But you didn't remember me the very next day, forgetful Lucy. Has got a nice caboosey.
I used to trick you into pulling, your car over so we could chat, But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat. And we drove up to see Dr. Keats. And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets. Forgetful Lucy cracked her head like Gary Busey. But I still love her so. And I'll never let her go even if while I'm singing this song. She's wishing I had Jocko the Walrus' schlong. Forgetful Lucy her lips are so damn juicy. How about another first kiss.
Can't fall asleep.
I'm not sleeping. I'm just closing my eyes.
Well, I'm gonna go downstairs then.
No, no. I'm just resting.
Lucy.
Yeah.
Will you marry me?
Of course.
Good. Don't forget about me.
Good morning.
Oh, shit!
Help! Help!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lucy.
Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey.
I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.
We have been for a while now.
Oh! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!
If I was lying, how would I know this?
You're an art teacher and you go to the Hukilau Cafe every Sunday,
and you make waffle houses and you like
Stalker!
No, don't you remember me a little?
I may not be able to kick your ass, but my sister sure can.
Thanks, buddy.
Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay.
She's watching the tape as we speak.
How's my temporal lobe looking there, doc?
Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short term memory loss.
But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Don't make fun of Henry. It's not his fault it's shaped like that.
Note the intense overreaction. That's the roids talking. Doug, once again, off the juice.
It's not juice.
It's a protein shake.
So, Henry, the boys tell me you're setting sail for
When does that adventure begin?
That actually began ten years ago. That's when I started planning, saving, and building my boat.
All I know is, out of all mammals, they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
That's my joke.
Did you tell Lucy about this trip, yet?
Well... ...actually, there's nothing to tell because I decided not to go. I mean, Lucy needs me here. I'm just worried about going away for a year and ruining all the progress she's made. I mean, I know you think I'm crazy but I think deep down inside......she's starting to remember who I am.
No, Henry. That's what you want to believe. It's what we all want to believe. But it's never gonna happen.
Okay. I gotta go to work. Will you tell her I'll be back later to pick her up? See you, guys. Don't tell anyone your sister beat me up.
He could go to the moon and back, and Lucy would never even know he left.
Sometimes I wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome. That way she wouldn't remember last night when I called her mother a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.
All right. There's your medicine, little fellow.
Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! If that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.
How do you think I get them to double flip and play with white kids?
Okay, Willie, that's it.
This time try to stay clean for more than a day. I made you a nice anchovy sundae. Okay, enjoy that.
Henry?
Hey!
How's your head?
Oh, it's fine. Don't worry.
Good.
What brings your royal cuteness out here?
I needed to see you.
Okay. What you got there?
It's my journal. I write in it every night.
Oh, you don't like the video?
No, I love it. It's just sometimes when I watch it, I feel like I'm being told about my life from someone else. And when I read this......it's like I'm telling myself.
When did you start this up?
Right after you gave me the video.
Really?
I was so nervous to come here, and meet the guy that makes me fall in love with him every day.
Well, you probably thought I couldn't live up to the hype.
No. I was nervous because.. because I came here to break up with you.
You have plans and a life, before you met me and now all you have time for is to make me fall in love with you everyday.
That's not all I do. I gave a penguin a bath today. Which I'll have to do again tomorrow.
Henry, I look at my dad and my brother's lives and I won't do that to you.
What do you want me to do? Be some super chapter in your scrapbook and then go on my way?
No.
My plan is to erase you completely, so it's as if you never existed.
Why are you doing this?
Because you have to understand that there is no future with me. Don't you want to have a career and marriage and children?
I asked you to marry me last night. You said yes. Kids? Yeah, I'd love to do it.
But how is that going to work?
I'm gonna wake up every morning with an enormous pregnant belly and no memory of how it happened? I have to make a new journal that doesn't have you in it. But before I do... I really want you to read what I wrote about you.
I will read about it tomorrow when you forget about all this breaking up stuff, okay?
I'm not going to forget about it. I already wrote it down. I won't let myself.
And I'm gonna do it whether you want me to or not. I'll be at my house.