Script by Eric
SECTION 1 (0:01)
TEEGER: That's fast!
MONK: I went to the men's room.
TEEGER: Wha-- here? Well, Mr. Monk, congratulations! I'm proud of you! How was it?
MONK: It was magical. It was spotless. I might become a patron of this theater just so I can use it. Two armrests, a clean bathroom – this is a perfect night at the theater.
PERFORMER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I bid you welcome to the magical boulevard of dreams known as Broadway.
MONK: Maybe I spoke too soon.
PERFORMER: Let us begin.
SECTION 2 (0:52)
TEEGER: He's bored. He's checking his watch. Well he won't be bored for long! Julie's next!
JULIE: [Sings]
SECTION 3 (1:50)
TEEGER: Wasn't she great? Wasn't she wonderful? She was so poised. Wasn't she poised.
MONK: She was very poised.
TEEGER: She was very poised. Oh, there he is. Why, he looks happy.
MONK: Well, if you saw that bathroom, you'd understand why.
TEEGER: You know who I loved? It was the girl that sang “Away.” What was her name? Julie something?
MONK: Oh, yeah.
TEEGER: Oh, yeah. Julie Teeger. She was the best.
MONK: Yeah, I thought so too. And who would've thought she'd have the same last name as you? That's unbelievable. I think he bought it. That's odd.
TEEGER: What?
MONK: He just threw away an unopened pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
TEEGER: Well maybe he's trying to quit.
JULIE: Excuse me. Are you looking for Miss Julie Teeger?
TEEGER: Yes, ma'am. Have you seen her? We wanted to tell her how beautiful and talented she was!
JULIE: OK, so how was it?
MONK: Oh, you were great. You were so poised.
TEEGER: Oh, honey, it was so wonderful. And the song was – I mean, I cried. We both cried.
JULIE: Oh, really?
TEEGER: And that last seen in the retirement home was so beautiful. I just – I can't believe it's only for one night!
MONK: Why are you still in the makeup?
JULIE: Oh, everyone's in makeup. We thought it would be fun to go to the cast party this way.
TEEGER: Oooh.
OTHER PERFORMER: Hey Julie! C'mon.
JULIE: Um, I gotta go. Is it OK if I stay until the reviews come out? Everyone's staying. Please say yes.
TEEGER: Oh, I don't know.
JULIE: OK, that's a “yes.” I love you. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mr. Monk.
SECTION 4 (3:22)
STOTTLEMEYER: Is that...? Hey, Monk! What are you doin' here?
TEEGER: Julie's musical. The theater's right down the street.
DISHER: Oh, yeah. Hey, was that tonight? How did it go?
TEEGER: She was great. Everybody thought so, not just me.
MONK: Yeah, she was very poised.
STOTTLEMEYER: I'm sure she was. Congratulations.
MONK: So, what's goin' on here?
STOTTLEMEYER: Jumper. She was stayin' at the hotel. Looks like she checked out early.
MONK: Huh. I'd like to take a look.
STOTTLEMEYER: I thought you'd never ask.
SECTION 5 (3:54)
MONK: Who was she?
POLICEMAN: Callie Esterhaus. She's a waitress at Winberries. She's local – very local. She lives about 10 blocks from here. She checked in about 6:00.
MONK: Was she alone?
POLICEMAN: She checked in alone. That's all we know.
MONK: That's two champagne glasses. She was expecting someone.
POLICEMAN: Yes, sir. She ordered room service around 8:15.
TEEGER: [Sniffs Monk. Sniffs Monk again.]
MONK: May we help you?
TEEGER: Are you wearing cologne?
MONK: No. Thank you for asking.
TEEGER: Do you smell that?
STOTTLEMEYER: It's probably her perfume.
TEEGER: No. That's men's cologne. My grandfather used to wear that. Oh, oh, it smells nice! [Sniffs, then sniffs Stottlemeyer]
STOTTLEMEYER: It's not me.
POLICEMAN: Now don't look at me.
MONK: Captain, I think her date showed up. He showed up early, unexpectedly – and he killed her.
STOTTLEMEYER: How do you figure?
MONK: Her hair was wet.
STOTTLEMEYER: Yeah.
MONK: Right.
STOTTLEMEYER: Right.
MONK: A new dress laid out on the bed. Her makeup kit still open.
STOTTLEMEYER: Mm-hmm.
MONK: Plus, only one false eyelash.
STOTTLEMEYER: Hey officer. Um, call Dr. D. Have him check the body for a false eyelash.
POLICEMAN: Yes sir. Uh, what do we do with this?
STOTTLEMEYER: Chocolate strawberry.
POLICEMAN: With a bite mark. We're assuming it's was the jumper's.
STOTTLEMEYER: Don't assume anything. Bag it. Where the hell's Randy?
TEEGER: I sent him out to get the newspaper.
STOTTLEMEYER: You? You sent Randy out? Well who are you, the new police commissioner?
TEEGER: The morning edition comes out at midnight. They're gonna review Julie's play.
STOTTLEMEYER: For the love of God, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop. Well, maybe he is. Monk, come here. Come on.
MONK: Yeah, I don't think so.
STOTTLEMEYER: Monk, if she was pushed – and it's lookin' like she was pushed – it happened out here. This is the crime scene.
MONK: I'm good.
STOTTLEMEYER: For the love of God, Monk! It's a balcony. It's perfectly safe.
MONK: It wasn't perfectly safe for her.
STOTTLEMEYER: Well, she landed by the awning. So we figure she went over someplace about here.
MONK: I think she was over there. By that plant. The three or four leaves missing. I think she grabbed at the plant as she went over.
STOTTLEMEYER: You're right. Hey. Ah.
MONK: Whaddaya got?
STOTTLEMEYER: It's a ribbon. Laskey.
TEEGER: Elaskey Jewelers. It's probably from a jewelry box.
STOTTLEMEYER: Well, it's small. It might have been from a ring. Officer, could you hang on to that for me, please?
MONK: See this footprint? He was on his toes.
STOTTLEMEYER: Yeah, I see it. He was squatting.
MONK: Or kneeling. He's proposing to her.
STOTTLEMEYER: You know, that fits. The hotel suite. The champagne. The ring box. He comes here to propose to her and pops the question. She turns him down. He snaps and kills her.
MONK: So we're looking for a boyfriend.
STOTTLEMEYER: Boyfriend – good! Boyfriend's are good. They're easy to find.
TEEGER: Hey!
DISHER: Hey.
TEEGER: Did you get it?
DISHER: Uh, yah. Uh, it's not in here, though. Maybe tomorrow's?
TEEGER: Well, can I see it?
DISHER: No.
TEEGER: Why?
DISHER: Because he's a critic, Natalie. Who cares what he thinks. I mean, he's probably a frustrated actor, anyway.
TEEGER: I'm too nervous. You read it.
DISHER: Look, this is just one man's opinion.
TEEGER: Read it!
DISHER: “Last night's premier...first rate material, second rate arrangements...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
TEEGER: No blah, blah, blah, blah, blahs. Give it. OK. [Mumbles as she skims] “Julie Teeger's rendition of 'Away,' the classic ballad, was completely forgettable – a corny, cliche-filled performance that had me begging for less. Miss Teeger owes me four minutes of my life back.
MONK: That could mean anything.