Script by Eric
SECTION 1 (0:01)
OTHER PERFORMER: You OK?
JULIE: [sighs]
OTHER PERFORMER: He's just a jerk.
JULIE: Hm.
OTHER PERFORMER: It doesn't matter.
JULIE: I guess not.
SECTION 2 (0:21)
STOTTLEMEYER: Were you friends with Callie?
WAITRESS: Callie Esterhaus? I knew her, but I didn't really know her, if you get what I mean. She only worked here a couple of weeks.
STOTTLEMEYER: Was she dating anyone?
WAITRESS: I think so. She was kind of private about that stuff. I think he might have been married. It's just a feeling I got.
STOTTLEMEYER: Did she ever mention any names?
DISHER: We found a datebook in her apartment. She referred to a man by the initial “J.” Does that mean anything?
WAITRESS: Maybe his name began with a “J”?
STOTTLEMEYER: Did you just write that down?
WAITRESS: With a question mark after it.
TEEGER: A “corny, cliche-filled perfomance”? How can he say that? It's just not true!
MONK: I thought you threw that out!
TEEGER: I bought another one.
MONK: Natalie, you're torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review.
TEEGER: Look who's talking.
MONK: That's true, OK, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I got years of experience.
TEEGER: How can he call her forgettable? My daughter is anything but!
STOTTLEMEYER: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you guys working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember it. Natalie, forget about that review.
TEEGER: He broke my little girl's heart.
STOTTLEMEYER: Julie's a tough kid, she'll...
TEEGER: He called her forgettable.
STOTTLEMEYER: Well don't just stand here whining about it. Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the um, the critic. His office is five blocks down the street. Go on! Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
WAITRESS: Did she know Callie too?
STOTTLEMEYER: Uh, yeah, she did.
MONK: Natalie, for god...Where'd she go?
SECTION 3 (1:51)
WOMAN: It's the biggest engagement picture the paper's ever run.
HANNIGAN: I'm surprised your father didn't put it on the front page.
WOMAN: He wanted to. I think Daddy's more excited about this wedding than you are.
HANNIGAN: That's not possible.
TEEGER: Excuse me. John Hannigan.
HANNIGAN: That all depends.
TEEGER: My name is Natalie Teeger. My daughter Julie Teeger was in the play that you reviewed last night.
HANNIGAN: If you'll excuse me, I'm kissing my luscious fiancee.
TEEGER: Yeah, sorry. She sang “Away,” the ballad. Remember? You called her completely forgettable.
HANNIGAN: Your daughter is not forgettable, no. What I meant to say was I wish I could forget her, but alas, the banality of that tune she tried to sing is seared indelibly in my brain. Is that better?
TEEGER: You know what you are, Mr. Hannigan. You're a bully. For your information, Julie got the most applause of anyone. People loved her. They were crying.
HANNIGAN: Oh, I'm sure they were. Ah, lunch. Thank you, Kevin.
WOMAN: Winberries again?
HANNIGAN: I'm a creature of habit, darling. Get used to it. Your complaint has been noted, Miss Teeger. Is there anything else?
TEEGER: [Sniffs]
HANNIGAN: Is there something wrong?
SECTION 4 (3:12)
MONK: What about people in the next room? Maybe they heard something?
DISHER: I already talked to them. They were out all night.
MONK: Fingerprints on the railing?
STOTTLEMEYER: Yeah, there were fingerprints; they belong to the maid. He must've worn gloves. This guy knew what he was doing.
MONK: There you are. Where've you been?
TEEGER: I've been thinking. I solved the case.
DISHER: What case?
TEEGER: I know who killed Callie Esterhaus. It was John Hannigan, the critic.
DISHER: Oh, Natalie!
STOTTLEMEYER: Look, Natalie, we know you're upset about that review. But you can't go around accusing the man of murder.
TEEGER: No, he did it. I know that he did it. I went to his office. He's wearing the same cologne – the cologne that we smelled in that hotel room.
DISHER: The cologne you smelled.
TEEGER: Plus he's a “J” for John. Plus, they probably knew each other. She worked at Winberries. That's his favorite restaurant. He eats there every day!
STOTTLEMEYER: OK, OK. First of all, Callie Esterhaus died at 8:35 – which was during Julie's show.
MONK: Hannigan was in his seat all night. We saw him.
TEEGER: No, he snuck out during the show. The hotel's right down the street. He killed her and then snuck back in.
MONK: Natalie, we were there! You kept looking up at him. He never left his seat.
DISHER: You gotta admit, it's a pretty good alibi. A sold out theater, including Adrian Monk.
TEEGER: He did it. I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
DISHER: That's what he always says.
MONK: What about motive? OK? Motive. You know, that's the reason...
TEEGER: Yeah, I know what a motive is, Mr. Monk. Hannigan is planning to marry Dianna Phelps, the boss' daughter. If she knew about Callie, she would have left him and his career would have been over.
STOTTLEMEYER: OK, so you want us to go arrest the guy because his name begins with J and he might have met her.
MONK: [laughs]
TEEGER: I have proof.
STOTTLEMEYER: You have proof? Proof?
TEEGER: Proof positive. Ironclad. If anybody sees it they'll know he did it. Julie.
JULIE: Do I have to do this?
MONK: Oh, no.
TEEGER: We talked about this. This is a murder investigation. It's very important. OK, cell phones off.
STOTTLEMEYER: Why?
TEEGER: Cell phones off! And if anybody has any hard candy, please unwrap it now. Ready? Hurry up.
JULIE: [sings]
TEEGER: So, let's go pick him up!
STOTTLEMEYER: What am I missing here? That's your proof.
TEEGER: This is the proof! Nobody who was in that theater who heard that voice could have written this review. He wasn't there. He couldn't have been there. My daughter is not forgettable. Monk?
MONK: Natalie, I think Julie is wonderful and she was wonderful last night. Very poised. But that doesn't necessarily mean...
TEEGER: You don't believe me either? Julie, sing it again.
JULIE: [starts to sing]
MONK: No, no – that's OK. It, really.
STOTTLEMEYER: That's OK, we got the point.
MONK: You made your point.
STOTTLEMEYER: Um, Natalie, listen. You've certainly given us lots to think about.
MONK: Yeah.
TEEGER: Forget about it. Sorry to have wasted your time, detectives. Honey, let's go.
JULIE: Um, I'm sorry. It was my idea.
STOTTLEMEYER: Very nice.
SECTION 5 (6:45)
MONK: Hello.
TEEGER: Mr. Monk, I'm sorry to bother you
MONK: Natalie, are you OK? Where are you?
TEEGER: I'm downtown. I'm at the police station.
MONK: What are you doing there?
TEEGER: I've been arrested.
SECTION 6: (7:14)
MONK: I don't understand. Wait a second. You were in the man's backyard?
TEEGER: That's right.
MONK: Looking through his garbage. What were you doing?
TEEGER: I was doing your job.
MONK: Natalie, it's just a review. It's just one review.
DISHER: Julie seems fine with it.
TEEGER: It wasn't a review. I mean it wasn't a real review because he wasn't there. Mr. Monk, he did it. I know that he did it.
MONK: Because he criticized her?
TEEGER: Because she sings like an angel!
STOTTLEMEYER: John Hannigan, this is Adrian Monk. He consults with us upon occasion.
HANNIGAN: Yes, hello. I'm a big fan.
STOTTLEMEYER: This is Lieutenant Disher. And I believe you know Natalie Teeger.
HANNIGAN: Unfortunately, yes.
STOTTLEMEYER: Um, good news: Mr. Hannigan has graciously agreed to drop all charges, so we're letting you off with a warning, Ms. Teeger.
MONK: Thank God.
TEEGER: I've an announcement too. I'm not giving up. I'm never giving up because you broke my daughter's heart and you killed that poor waitress down the street.
HANNIGAN: Now I've killed a waitress! This is getting more pathetic by the minute.
TEEGER: Which explains what you were doing there. You never review community theater.