Script by Eric
MAN: So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2 or 3.
ROSS: Well, I like how you look. What are you?
MAN: Puerto Rican.
ROSS:I think a 2.
MAN: You're gonna face the red light. When the red light goes on the spraying's about to start, so close your eyes. When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks, then turn around so we can get your back. Ya got it?
ROSS: Spray, count, pat, and turn. Spray, count and pat.
MAN: Wow, you catch on quick.
ROSS: Well, I have a PhD, so...
ROSS: One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three... [garbled] I'm not finished counting!
ROSS: You sprayed my front twice!
MAN: You never turned?
ROSS: No! I barely even got to three Mississippi!
MAN: Mississippi? I said count to five.
ROSS: Mississippi-lessly? Well, how, how bad is it?
MAN: Not that bad yet, but it keeps getting darker for the next four hours.
ROSS: So, how dark is it gonna get?
MAN: You got sprayed with two 2s, and...
ROSS: I'm a 4?!
MAN: Yeah, but your back's a 0. You're gonna wanta even that out.
ROSS: Really?!
MAN: You might wanta get back in there.
ROSS: OK!
ROSS: Wait, wait a minute. There's no light on the back wall. How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? Ow! My eyes!
ROSS: The same thing happened again!
MAN: You got two more 2s?
ROSS: I'm an 8!
~~~
SECTION 2 (2:28)
CHANDLER: Hold on, there's something different.
ROSS: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
CHANDLER: Was that place the sun?
ROSS: Oh, and it gets worse.
CHANDLER: Oh, my god. You can do a duet of “Ebony and Ivory” all by yourself.
MONICA: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go into the booth, you count to five, and you turn around.
ROSS: How do you count to five?
MONICA: One, two, three...
ROSS: Damn it!
RACHEL: What?!
ROSS: I know!
RACHEL: Uh! What is up with Miss. Hawaiian Tropic?
~~~~
SECTION 3 (3:22)
GLENDA: You go into the booth and...
ROSS: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Does it look like this is my first time, huh? Now I want four 2s, and I want them all on my back.
GLENDA: OK.
~~~~
SECTION 4 (3:45)
CHANDLER: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.
ROSS: Go away! I don't want to see anybody.
CHANDLER: I know. I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in.
ROSS: Really? Did you count Mississippi-ly?
ROSS: You, you're not tan.
CHANDLER: No. No, I just had to get a picture of this. I'll see ya later!